Content warning: this article contains information about domestic abuse and harm against women which some readers may find distressing.
This year marks the tenth anniversary of the Day of Prayer for Survivors of Abuse, initiated by Pope Francis. This year, in England and Wales it falls on the 5th May and the theme is victims and survivors of domestic abuse. A few weeks later, on the 23rd May, we celebrate the feast of St Rita of Cascia. Subjected to domestic abuse herself, she is a patron saint of abused women Her feast day reminds us again, to pray with victims and survivors. It is also a reminder that we all need to act to help make our communities and churches safe places for people at risk of harm.
In the UK, on in four women [1] and one in six to seven men [2] are subjected to domestic abuse during their lifetime. Studies have shown that domestic abuse happens at the same rates in Church communities, meaning that statistically it has almost certainly happened in your parish, perhaps to someone you know.
It can be difficult to recognise these harms, hidden in the privacy of homes. Most of the time, there are no visible signs. Domestic abuse can be extremely dangerous without any physical violence. Abusive behaviour can be interspersed with what seems like very loving behaviour, making it hard to recognise even for people experiencing it. As “Maria” [3] a survivor told me, “I thought I was in an unhappy marriage. I didn’t realise I was in an unsafe marriage.”
One of the things that helped her realise she was a victim of domestic abuse was the level of control her husband had over every aspect of her life. It had developed gradually. The beginning of their relationship felt wonderful; her husband was charming and attentive -something “Maria” recognised much later as love-bombing. “Looking back, there were a few tell-tale signs; the relationship became intense very quickly, but at the time I was just swept off my feet, it was like a whirlwind.”
They became engaged after only a few months, and then the control began getting worse as he demanded to know where she was all the time. Digital technology makes it increasingly easy for perpetrators, using tracking devices on phones or ring doorbells to monitor their victims’ every move. Another survivor, “Amy” described how one day she stepped outside of her office to have a cigarette and immediately her phone rang. “He was video calling me. He told me he could see on his phone that I had left my office and told me to show him where I was and who I was with.”
This level of control, over time, can have a significant effect on mental and emotional wellbeing. “Maria” described the years she spent being controlled by her husband; “I was breathing and walking around, but I wasn’t really alive.” When we talk about working with survivors of domestic abuse to save lives, we must also remember the death of the soul that can happen when someone cannot live their God-given life because everything they do is controlled by someone else.
The Church recognises this, and does not ask anyone to stay in danger, whether the abuse is physical, psychological or spiritual . Catholic Canon Law [4] states that someone can separate from their spouse if there is “mental or physical” danger. The Pope Francis’ exhortation, Amoris Laetitia,[5] goes even further, suggesting it may be “morally necessary” to leave a dangerous spouse, to protect yourself and your children.
Understanding that the Church stands in support of victims seeking safety is important, but leaving an abuser can be extremely dangerous and may require a lot of support. There are many professionals who can offer this help. Parishes wanting to help victims/survivors can use Safe in Faith’s signposting toolkit. https://caritaswestminster.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/02042024___Signposting-Toolkit.pdf
Safe in Faith can help equip your parish office as a safe space for people at risk to safely use the phone and internet through the “Ask for Mary” programme. https://caritaswestminster.org.uk/safe-in-faith/clergy-and-faith-leaders/
There is other information available on Safe in Faith’s website, the Bishop’s Conference website https://www.cbcew.org.uk/domestic-abuse/
or these resources. https://dojustice.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2024/11/Do-Justice-Domestic-Abuse.pdf https://www.nbcw.co.uk/raising-awareness-of-domestic-abuse-a-resource-pack/
This month of May, let us all stand with victims and survivors in prayer and action.
If you or someone else is at immediate risk call 999, or contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247
Nikki Dhillon Keane is the head of Caritas Hope, which includes Safe in Faith. She is a Catholic Psychotherapist and author of Domestic Abuse in Church Communities: A Safe Pastoral Response (Redemptorist)
Photo: Mazur/cbcew.org.uk
[1]https://refuge.org.uk/what-is-domestic-abuse/the-facts/
[2] https://www.ncdv.org.uk/domestic-abuse-statistics-uk/
[3] Names have been changed
[4] Canon 1153
[5] Amoris Laetitia: Post-Synodal Apostolic Exhortation on Love in the Family. Vatican City: Libreria Editrice Vaticana, 19 March 2016. [1, 2]
